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Tuesday, July 15, 2008

President Bush's Ingenious Plan to Save Economy

With all the news of high gas prices, "mental recessions" (which I find depressing) and the lost value of the dollar it's easy to believe President Bush has led us into another fine mess. However, it turns out he's a genius.

And here you thought "Little Bush" was that show on Comedy Central. Turns out, it's the mouse in President Bush's brain. You know, the one making the wheels go round (and incidentally whose also responsible for this, this, and this).

Turns out, this economic disaster isn't a result of the President's total ineptness, duncitude and spit-drooling stupidity. It was the plan all along! (That MBA had to be good for something!) If you drive the U.S. economy totally into the ground, other countries start outsourcing here! Thus, creating more jobs in the United States and causing candidates for Prime Minister of India say things like, "I will be tough on companies that threaten to take their business overseas. We won't tolerate well spoken Americans answering your tech questions!"

For 7 years I've been trying to figure out what the hell this man was doing. Now it all makes sense! If you blow a ton of money on a war, it causes inflation to increase, the value of the dollar to go down, and it makes U.S. workers attractive to overseas companies (like Volkswagen). Then, when the American worker is so downtrodden they can't believe their bad luck and the amount of wad they just spent at the gas tank, Americans will gladly take jobs from foreign companies. To hell with Made in America! Well, to hell with Made in America but all the money goes to that Belgian company that just bought Anheuser Busch.

But wait! That's only the first part of his plan. The other part, driving up gas prices and the cost of oil is all designed to further weaken the U.S. economy (and thus really strengthening it). When it costs too much for an American manufacturer to send sofas to Italy to be made with real leather, the manufacturer will just (wait for it) send the couch to Appalachia to get some fake cow skin substitute. Thus (are you with me) creating jobs for Americans!

Sheer genius! It was so brilliant that no one saw it coming. Not the woman in the food stamp line, the man at the unemployment office, the mom pumping $50 worth of gas into her car, or the do-nothing Congress. No one saw it but Little Bush. You can all bow down in shock and awe now.

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