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Friday, October 31, 2008

The Palin Presidency - A Tale for Halloween

She sat alone, slumped in her chair, her arms listlessly dangling over the armrests. She was sitting in the dark. She didn't care. She wanted to be enveloped and taken over by the darkness. It matched the mood of her soul.

It had been the worst election defeat in the history of Presidential elections. No sitting President had received a lower percentage of the vote since William Howard Taft in 1912. At least that's what she'd been told. She didn't fucking care about history unless it was her own personal history.

She knew one thing for sure. There were lots of people she hated. She hated John McCain for dying in office one day after the inauguration. She hated Joe the Plumber for turning out to be a terrible Chief of Staff. She hated Rudy Giuliani for being a competent Vice President, one most Americans thought should replace her. But most of all, she hated Hillary Clinton for beating her.

It had all started on a beautiful January morning in 2009. She had just been staring at her room in her new home at the Naval Observatory. She hated that the drive up Massachusetts took her so far away from the White House. Leaving last night had been painful, but she was determined to enjoy her four years as Vice President. On this chilly, bright morning her biggest concern was where to fit the tanning bed when it arrived from Alaska. It was the last happy thought she would have for the next 24 hours.

John McCain had finally succumbed to the stroke his doctors had been warning about. The circumstances of when and where it happened had never been revealed to her because she hadn't qualified for National Security Clearance yet. The ascendancy to the Presidency took care of that problem.

The first month had gone alright, but then China had invaded Afghanistan. It was a move no one saw coming, and one that distracted everyone as Chinese agents infiltrated the United States, secretly moving into position. She hadn't been sure what to do because she didn't see the Chinese coming. She had counted on being able to spot them approaching the White House. The next thing the country knew, Boston was gone, obliterated by a nuclear attack.

The Chinese had accomplished it just by smuggling huge bombs through the ports. She had had to fire all the port security because there wasn't any money in the federal budget. She had banned taxes for all Americans (and the Democrats had been too weak in Congress to stop her). Then she had taken all the leftover tax revenue and stuffed it into Defense Spending because now was not the time to short change her son while he was serving in Iraq.

In the immediate hours and days after the attack on Boston she had tried several approaches. First, she said, the attack didn't really matter because that wasn't real America anyway. No one seemed to like this response. Then she said, well, it was too bad Boston was gone, but everyone could move to Alaska because it was one of the last refuges for the final days and the attack clearly meant the world was ending.

Her advisers tried to tell her Americans were panicking. The attacks led to an epic financial failure and more and more Americans started packing up and moving to Canada. She didn't know what to do. Finally, Rudy Giuliani started standing behind her, hidden by a curtain, telling her how to answer questions through an ear piece. That seemed to calm everyone down. For the next couple of years, the country managed to recover and she managed to not make any decisions on her own. Rudy was calling the shots.

But then she went rouge. She'd been reminiscing about all the good times on the campaign trail, about how as Vice President she could've had so much more power than she did as President. That's when she came across a picture of Joe the Plumber. He was so handsome. She just had to have him, in the White House.

A call went out, "Get Joe the Plumber." Federal agents went to the Ohio Penitentiary where he was being held for failure to pay back taxes and pulled him out. She fired her Chief of Staff, Meghan McCain, and put Joe in her place. With Joe by her side, Palin instituted a reign of terror that would've resulted in her impeachment had the Democrats not badly wanted to keep Rudy Giuliani out of the Presidency. They let her destroy the country for the next two years and watched triumphantly as Hillary Clinton won the Presidency.

All Hillary had to do at most campaign stops was point out the acid rain falling from the sky, the black clouds on the horizon from the small towns that were burning, or ask voters to stop and listen to the sounds of bombs falling as soldiers waged a war against liberals. It worked. She lost.

Now she was left sitting in the dark, listening to the sounds of church bells ringing, choirs singing and women weeping with relief. She may have lost, but they could never take away the fact that she was a Maverick. She sat up straight in her chair, dusted off her skirt, and held her chin high. "To hell with them," she thought, "I may have lost the election, but I'll always be a Maverick, and that, after all, is what matters at the end of the day."

A crack in the door appeared letting a small sliver of light into the room. She picked up her shotgun and fired a warning shot through the door. It quickly closed.

"Yep, Maverick."

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