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Thursday, October 30, 2008

Sarah Palin Confidential

Update: In light of recent revelations that Palin didn't know Africa was a continent, I have to stress this was a hypothetical article I intended as sarcasm. Little did I know how right I was.


Just five days away from the general election, one of John McCain's top advisers has decided that now is the time to speak out about Sarah Palin. This person , whom we'll call "Joe," was scheduled to do an in depth interview with the New York Times after the election about Ms. Palin, but things have deteriorated so far, "Joe" now believes the only way to salvage the election is to do a tell all interview in hopes that people will forgive Mr. McCain and vote for him anyway. The senior adviser says, "Our hope is that America will elect Mr. McCain regardless of Sarah Palin. Then, after the election, we can replace her with Joe Lieberman." Here is what End Politics As Usual learned from "Joe."

In the beginning, Ms. Palin appeared to the campaign to be sharp and a good choice. She was very popular in Alaska and the McCain campaign believed that her appeal to the white working class voters would overcome whatever inexperience she brought to the table. However, the campaign would soon discover they had more of a dunce on their hands than a novice.

"It was shocking," says Joe. "I started out the prepping on a pretty basic level after she was unable to answer some geography questions. Just out of curiosity, I asked her, 'How many continents are there?' She replied, 'Six.' Naturally, I asked her to name the ones she thought were continents. She named six of them and then stopped. I asked her about the one she'd left out, 'Why didn't you mention Antarctica?' She replied, 'In Alaska, we don't believe in the South Pole. The North Pole is the only one that matters.' I knew right then, this was going to be a long election."

The daily briefings and prep sessions turned into night long, cramming marathons. "It was unreal," says Joe. "I thought I would be talking about the nuances of the Bush Doctrine and pre-emptive strikes but I ended up debating when dinosaurs walked the earth. That was the longest night ever. I couldn't believe I was actually arguing with her. And then when she said she could see Russia from her house, well, by that time, it sounded better than anything else I'd been hearing. So we went with it."

What followed next was a long list of demands from the candidate: tanning beds installed in the Straight Talk Express, personal trainers, chefs, babysitters, and a makeup/style consultant. "You'd think as a former beauty queen she would know how to do her own makeup and to come up with a hairstyle that didn't make you think of the 1960s. Even that was a battle. We had to hold her in the chair screaming while we cut her hair. It was traumatic for everyone."

As the campaign chugged on, Ms. Palin became more and more erratic. At one point, she put on an Obama sticker and started to charge out of the plane. One of her handlers managed to tackle her and remove the sticker.

"I asked her, why would she wear an Obama sticker? She said it was all part of a plan that would make sense once she got on stage. She asked if she could have the sticker back and if I wouldn't mind bringing her some matches and a witch's cauldron. At that point, I called Mr. McCain."

It was from that point on that Mr. McCain tried to do every possible interview with her. His doctors became concerned that the stress of sitting for those interviews with her was beginning to increase his blood pressure. The campaign was concerned if it came out he had medical problems because of Ms. Palin, the country would never elect him. Mr. McCain was almost guaranteed to die in office if he had to spend one more day with her. The campaign did the only thing it could think to do at this point: start spreading rumors about Ms. Palin.

"I had someone get in touch with Politico and point out what we thought everyone would notice anyway, the $150,000 expenditure for clothing. It's not like we tried to hide it, but the press was so focused on this Bill Ayers thing that they almost missed it. That brought us some relief, but reporters started sniffing around again. So we took the only possible step we could, we started calling Palin names."

Newspaper reporters were soon getting "inside information" that Palin was a "diva" or a "whackjob" and that she was single-handedly trying to ruin John McCain. "This wasn't a stretch," says Joe "She was really out to get us. We had no choice left but to hope that by telling this story, the American people would see us as the victims and take sympathy on us. We didn't want to have to pay for our own mistakes, especially when they were really her mistakes. We hoped the bad press would be enough to force her out of the campaign. It didn't work. She won't budge."

There was only one thing left to do. In a last ditch effort, Mr. McCain scoured hours to tape of campaign rope lines hoping to find a diversion. That's when he struck gold. Joe the Plumber. The campaign released the Plumber unvetted onto the national stage in hopes that the press would quit focusing on Governor Palin and try and disprove Joe's credentials as an everyman. It worked.

"Instead of Keith Olbermann pointing out over and over again how ridiculously stupid Ms. Palin is, he was devoting entire special comments to Joe the Plumber. Those annoying liberal bloggers all started chasing him, the press started interviewing him, and no one remembered to try and get a press conference with Ms. Palin."

So where does this leave the McCain-Palin team now that the inside story is out?

"We're sticking with her through election night," says Joe, "After that, Mr. McCain is going to fire her. There's nothing in the Constitution to keep him from dismissing the Vice President, and if there was, she wouldn't know enough about it to fight back. She's out come November 5th. So, nudge nudge, wink wink, vote for McCain-Palin on November 4 and remember, it's really a vote for McCain-Lieberman."

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