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Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Daily Show: Guantanamo Baywatch

This is all great stuff, but you've got to go 2:15 in to where it gets really good. Rep. Steve King (R) of Iowa offers the following scenario if the Gitmo detainees are moved to America:

"Let's just say that, that, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the mastermind of 9/11, is brought to the United States to be tried in a federal court of the United States. And on a technicality such as, let's just say he wasn't read his Miranda rights, he is released into the streets of America. Walks over and steps up into a U.S. Embassy and applies for asylum. What happens then if another judge grants him asylum in the United States and Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is on a path to citizenship."

To which Stewart replies:

"Then, let's say Khalid Sheikh Mohammed runs for Congress. He wins because he's an expert on terror. Then a couple of years later a crazy Governor makes him a Senator and as Senator he hypnotizes everyone and takes over the army. Now he has access to Area 51 and here's where it gets weird. He uses alien technology to seduce Scarlett Johansson and only Will Smith can stop him."

Stewart then offers this advice to the Republican members of Congress who are scared:

"I know you guys are freaking out. But you know what we in these United States do better than anyone? Imprison people. But these detainees are the worst of the worst... they want to kill Americans! Yeah, unlike our current inmate population of jaywalkers, cream puffs and boy scouts who only want to hug Americans (see Charles Manson, Tim McVeigh, Unabomber, Jeffrey Dahmer). Look, I know you're Republicans so you don't watch MSNBC, but check it out on the weekends. They have this 6-10 hour block called "Lockup. " (Stewart shows a prisoner saying, 'I pulled his brain out and took a bite out of it'). We can't handle these piddly punks from Guantanamo? I'll put a good, old fashioned, USA born and raised, brain eater against any of those motherfuckers. Any of them. USA! USA! Let's stop pretending these Guantanamo guys are all super villains. They're thugs and jackasses not Magneto. If they had mutant powers we would've known by now. But you don't want them on our soil. I understand. We're safe as long as they're in Cuba with 90 miles of ocean between us. Yeah, nobody could ever make that harrowing journey, oh, except maybe a six-year-old with access to high-tech innertube technology. I know Janet Reno would like you to believe that Elian got here on the wings of a magical schnauzer but no! It might be comforting to keep these prisoners in legal limbo, but the thing is they're not actually in limbo. They still exist. So until we can come up with an actual limbo, a phantom zone so to speak, I'll take my chances with the system that's been able to contain the brain-eater guy."

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